I felt so hollow and numb that I understood why people cut

Something changes sometimes always

buy canada goose jacket Quite a long while, in fact. Much longer than I expected it to be, or wanted it to be. buy canada goose jacket

I been missing my little corner of the sewing internet, and wanting to come back. But it been hard surprisingly so. I been making things, getting photos of things, and canada goose outlet price even started a blog post or two. But publishing them just didn feel right. (Although I am looking forward to showing some of the things I been making. There a floral halter neck dress. And another dress, with foxes on. Foxes!!!)

canada canada goose outlet sale goose deals It slowly dawned on canada goose parka outlet uk me why it wasn feeling right to publish posts about pretty dresses and fun canada goose outlet montreal outings for photo shoots. Because it canada goose victoria parka outlet only tells part canada goose outlet of the story a carefully curated, positive part of the story. There been research done on the impacts of curation of online lives. The result it has of only ever seeing canada goose outlet hong kong the positive, the fun, the and comparing those images and stories to the reality of your own life, in all of it messy, chaotic glory. And the result isn positive. While we all love looking at pretty things, and reading about fun things, seeing only those can make you canada goose outlet store new york feel that you not doing as well. Not having as much fun. Not succeeding in living the life everyone else is managing to live. canada goose discount uk And those are pretty dangerous feelings to have. canada goose deals

So, this post isn about pretty dresses. It about The Other Stuff.

(And I won mind if you don want to read it. After all, pretty dresses are much more fun! I be back to regular pretty dress posting in a day or so, I promise. So feel free to go away and skip over this single post. )

It been a rough couple of years, for a variety of reasons. And I decided not to sweep that under canada goose outlet florida the carpet and pretend all has been well, even though that is my natural impulse. Instead, I going to talk a canada goose coats uk little bit about it. To show the not so pretty side of things behind the vintage patterns and floral fabrics and bright colours. And I doing this in case it helps someone else out there. (And as a small apology to those I lost contact with, or been neglecting. I sorry. Truly.)

Canada Goose Jackets A good friend of mine did something similar for me. When I was at one of my lowest points, she opened up about her struggles with depression and how she faced up to them. And her openness finally pushed me to go and see someone about mine. You know who you are, lovely lady. And I can honestly say if you hadn talked as you did, when you did, my life would currently be very different. Canada Goose Jackets

canada goose store (I admit I debated for quite a while about whether to write about this or not. Personally, I may regret it. But I putting it out there, in case it helps anyone else. Because if it does, it worth writing.) canada goose store

So, the d word came up. Depression. In my case post natal depression. Pretty bad post natal depression.

canada goose clearance sale It came on not too long after my second child arrived. He was terrible at sleeping only one short daytime nap, and waking up 6 12 times a night. That first year after he was born, I was stumbling through life on about 4 5 broken hours of sleep each night. And let face it that sort of sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for some pretty good reasons. It does canada goose outlet england not do good things to one brain. canada goose clearance sale

It was canada goose uk site made worse by feelings of isolation. I was working in a suburb, rather than in the centre of my town, which made it pretty much impossible to catch up with friends during the week. Two young children, no car, and a lack of support in the weekends meant I wasn able to see people much during the weekend as well. Add in not wanting to be a burdan to people, so hiding the effects sleep deprivation were having on me, and the sense of isolation built up very fast. My long term official canada goose outlet relationship was disintegrating at canada goose outlet las vegas the same time, which clearly didn help (increased isolation, lack of emotional support, etc, etc, etc).

canadian goose jacket Some of my friends were going through rough canada goose kensington parka uk patches at the time, and because I love them and care for them, I desparately wanted to be there to help and support them. But I couldn be as present as I wanted to. And I felt guilt over that, and as though I was letting them down and being a bad friend. (Let be clear these feelings were all coming from me, not from anyone else.) canadian goose jacket

I was having trouble with some family members feeling that I was being judged for working while having small children; that I was being found lacking as a parent; that I generally couldn do anything right. I was having to constantly defend my partner to my family, while at the same time disagreeing with my partner, so it felt that I was constantly caught in the middle, unable to be honest and being under attack from both sides.

Canada Goose Outlet These factors all built up, and built up. It took some time, I not sure how long as time moves strangely when you in that head space, but post natal depression sunk it claws in deep. Canada Goose Outlet

Canada Goose online And let me tell you depression hurts! Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Canada Goose online

I felt that I didn know who I was anymore. That I didn really exist, and was simply a shell of a person, carrying out roles in life but with no substance. Being a mother, a colleague, an employee, but it was all an act, put on for the benefit of others while inside I was devoid of life.

canada goose clearance I progressed from feeling isolated, to isolating myself. I felt that how I was feeling would be a burden to others, and so I didn speak about it, and I pretended all was well. It was hard to pretend, so very hard, and so I stopped seeing people. I felt that I was bringing down my friends, that http://www.mycanadagoosejacket.org they were happier when I wasn there, and so I stopped seeing them. canada goose clearance

The feelings built, the downward spiral continued.

I would say things to my now former partner such as don exist anymore They were ignored, and I didn try to talk to anyone else because I never saw anyone else. I sit in my sewing room at night once the canada goose outlet in new york kids were asleep, staring at nothing, slumped on the floor, with an empty mind. Even though I was absolutely exhausted through lack of sleep, I canada goose outlet germany put off going to bed at night. Because bed meant darkness and quiet, which meant the thoughts and feelings would come out of hiding. I kept busy when I could, throwing myself into things, then feeling like an utter failure when I couldn keep up the unrealistic pace I set myself. But business while it lasted was a distraction from the emptiness and the pain. I kept putting on a mask when I was around people I knew, and let it fall away the moment they were gone. One clear memory I have is walking through the railway station and seeing a colleague they noticed me before I noticed them, and I didn get the mask on in time. I still worry a bit about what they saw in that moment of unguardedness.

Canada Goose sale canada goose outlet orlando I was in pain every moment of every day the emotional canada goose outlet in uk pain and emptiness so strong they caused physical pain. I felt so hollow and numb that I understood why people cut themselves to feel something, to know you are still alive, you still exist. And to try and get some of the pain out of your body, as you feel it filling you to the brim and is threatening to overwhelm you and destroy you at any moment. Canada Goose sale

canada goose coats on sale When I had the mask on around others, I laugh sometimes. And when I did, canada goose outlet online store on the inside I wanted to curl up in the corner and cry. Laughing canada goose outlet parka on the outside, dying on the inside it was all an act. canada goose coats on sale

buy canada goose jacket cheap If I ever bought up even a little bit about how I was feeling, I saw rolled eyes, significant looks passed, subjects changed. I was told to out of it (Even one time when the pain got so much I found myself sitting on the stairs in my house, with the emotional pain being torn from me in a scream that left my throat sore for days afterwards, I was told to out of it and it together buy canada goose jacket cheap

Canada Goose Parka I began to genuinely believe that people would be better off without me around. That I was a liability no good at work, no good as a friend, no good as a partner. I genuinely believed that my then partner would be better off without me that he be angry with me for leaving him with all the childcare, but that would pass quickly and he be happier than if I was there. I even thought that my children, my amazing wonderful children who I would give up anything for, would be better off without me around. Canada Goose Parka

cheap Canada Goose I worried about what I would do, as I fought the desire to hurt myself in order to feel something, anything. As I was tempted by thoughts of ending it, so that I wouldn be a burdan to others anymore. I got nervous walking near balconys, over bridges, for fear of giving in to the temptation to just jump off. When cooking food, I worried about being near knives, as I would find myself staring intently at them and visualising picking them up. cheap Canada Goose

canada goose It got so bad, that the only thing that stopped me from acting on any of those impulses was the fear that if I killed myself, my children may get teased about it at school, because children can be extremely cruel to one another. I truly believed they would be better off without me, but I didn want to be the source of childhood teasing from their peers. And that was the only reason I didn do anything. canada goose

canada goose black friday sale And then a friend of mine opened up about how she had been battling depression. And I finally went to get help. canada goose black friday sale

It was hard to get help. I felt like a failure, like it was shameful, that I was weak and pathetic for not coping by myself. I still feel like that I ashamed to be on medication, even though it been nearly a year since I started taking it. It interesting, isn it? I don feel like depression is something people should be ashamed of, but I feel shame myself. I felt too weak to go for help, and yet getting help was also a sign of weakness. yay for conflicted emotions.

canada goose coats Anyway, I got help. And things got better. canada goose coats

I got put on medication. (Immediately, in fact my doctor gave me a script nearly as soon as I started talking to her.) I slept a lot, letting my mind heal. I went on a trip with my youngest, and slept and rested and struggled with the feelings of guilt for not seeing people while I was travelling and letting them down and letting myself down, even though I didn have the energy to get off the floor of the Airbnb I was staying in sometimes. But the trip helped I didn have to do anything, I just hung out with my then nearly two year old, slept, wandered, and healed.

By admin , November 2, 2013


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